My New Hobby

…the art of replying to fundraising appeal letters

The Android Open Source Project, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Oh to have a dollar for every appeal for money a candidate has sent me over the last several months! Do you feel like I do? Have you railed against how money has to be involved in everything we try to accomplish?

Have you unsubscribed? I haven’t. I created a new hobby, and you can, too.

Here are some examples of the replies I’ve sent back:

Thank you for running for office. I’ve already contributed, but I know you need more. Wait…you need moremoremoremoremoremoremoremore. Well, don’t worry. I think you’re going to win anyway.

Ha! Your email asking for just $5 came in as I sat down to figure out how to pay this year’s property taxes. Hold on while I give $X,XXX.XX to one of those departments whose director you may know and then I’ll see what’s left to play with in the gamble of American politics. Thanks.

Ah, what? You and your running mate want to meet me? That’s impossible at any cost, darling.

Now that you have my attention, wait…hold on…my neighbor is here…can I get back to you?

Know how you used to ask your parents for an allowance? Well, this is different! A lot different. If I give you $5, will you also come rake the leaves in my front yard?

So, I appreciate that money makes the world go ‘round, but why does politics have to play? Why can’t we all be issued a certain number of tokens each election year so we can send those to the candidates we like and have the statisticians and data analysts use them to keep track of your electability?

Thanks, candidates (and I mean all of you for I have indeed received asks from reds and blues and greens) for the opportunity to send so many replies and keep practicing my writing skills while also questioning authority.